Dec 30, 2009
Dec 20, 2009
I am starting to feel much closer to Maggie Claire now, which makes me feel AWESOME. I look at her and smile now - not cry. I'm not sure if its the medicine kicking in, talking with a counselor, others prayers, or the fact that my mother has handled the early morning feedings the past two nights so I could get some rest. Either way, I feel refreshed, recharged, and actually happy.
Maggie Claire is doing well too. Its amazing how alert she is now. She will follow voices and is completely enthralled with certain objects like the mobile on her swing and some of the toys I bought for her. I wish Adam was here to see how much she has changed and grown in a matter of one week. Speaking of Adam, I am starting to feel better about that situation too. I had come to grips with things while I was pregnant and thought I was doing a pretty good job dealing with him being gone. However, after he left this time I didn't think I would ever stop crying. It was heart wrenching. I guess its much like everything else in life though and gets better with time. Don't get me wrong, I still miss him terribly, but I am slowly regaining my previous strength in dealing with it.
I want to extend a thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. I truly appreciate all of your throughts and prayers. They are probably the reason I am feeling better today. I will continue to keep you posted with how things are going!
PS - First funny baby story: So, MC was in her pack and play and it was almost time to feed her so I thought I would change her diaper. WOOO! BIG STINKY! As I am wiping her cute little poopy bottom, she starts tee-teeing everywhere! Wonderful. Here I am, poopy wipe in hand trying to catch the pee pee which is now pooling up beneath her (Yes, I still had her diaper under her bottom, but since it was poopy, I had it closed under her... the pee pee just ran right down the incline it created) As if this wasn't interesting enough, Maggie Claire then spits up. I have no hands left. The spit up starts running down the side of her face and into her ear. Are you kidding me? Tell me there are no more holes for anything to come out of! Needless to say, I stripped her down and she got her bath early that night...
Dec 17, 2009
I remember hearing all about Brooke Shields after she had her baby and came out with the fact that she suffered from post partum depression. I thought to myself "how in the world could you be depressed after something like that?!You have been given a gorgeous, healthy baby! What is wrong with you woman??" I know now. I have pondered for a while about whether or not I should post about this, but with the way I am feeling, I know I would appreciate hearing about someone else's problems to know that I am not alone. Maybe someone will stumble upon this and see that, no, you are not alone...
If you have never had a child, you might find it very difficult to understand where I am coming from. I know before I had Maggie Claire I didn't understand it either. I always thought women who got depressed after they had their children were just the ones who didn't want their babies in the first place, but that is DEFINATELY not the case. I wanted MC so badly it killed me. I have never been so elated in my entire life as when I found out we were pregnant. Throughout my entire pregnancy I was thrilled that soon I would be holding my sweet angel. However, all of these fantasies were not exactly fulfilled the way I expected.
You imagine all of these scenarios when you are pregnant and when things don't work out that way its very troubling. The delivery might be where it started. I got an epidural thinking I wouldn't feel much of anything, but it wore off before I delivered. I felt everything. It was exruciating pain. I pushed for over an hour. I won't go into the other details, but it was rough. I was so exhausted and in such pain afterwards that I barely wanted to see MC. I immediately felt like the most horrible mother to ever live.
After Adam and I got home I was still in constant pain. I had problems with my stitches and had to go to the ER at 1:30 in the morning a few days after we got home. It was like one thing after another. I was exhausted and stressed and couldn't stop crying. I gave up breastfeeding. I just couldn't deal with the stress. Again, I felt like the most horrible mother to ever live.
In addition to all of these things, I had to deal with the fact that Adam, the love of my life and my right hand man in helping with MC, was leaving. I really felt like I was going to completely lose it. I had knots in my stomach everyday. I didn't eat. I cried and cried and cried. I didn't think I would ever feel like myself again.
I am stating all of this information in the past tense if you haven't noticed.... the reason? I think I am getting better. I still don't completely feel like myself, but I ate today and didn't cry. That is huge. My family has been amazing in helping me - both literally and emotionally. I have leaned on several cousins for support and advice and my parents have been a God send. I am hanging in there. I miss Adam terribly, but I know I have to be strong. I pray that each day it will get easier, as I think it has. Its slightly embarrassing discussing this with the world, but as I said, I felt very alone and ashamed in the beginning of all of this, and I desperately needed to know that it is normal and I was NOT the only one who had these types of feelings. Maybe I can help someone else.
As I said, I think it will get a little easier each day, and I plan on posting regularly since it is very therapeutic. Please keep MC and I in your prayers. Even when the baby blues let up, I will still deal with the pain of missing Adam. Thanks for your thoughts and comments and hopefully the next post will be more uplifting!
Dec 10, 2009
Dec 3, 2009
Nov 29, 2009
Nov 25, 2009
Nov 24, 2009
Nov 23, 2009
Nov 22, 2009
Sometimes I really don't know if I can contain all the excitement I am feeling right now. One of our dear friends, Jordan, who graciously reads my blog commented that he remembered how he felt the night before Christmas. He was right when he said its probably nothing compared to how I feel right now. There aren't even words. Having a new baby is momentous enough, but having a baby at the same time that my husband (who I havent seen in six months!) will be coming home is just too much to take in. It's like all of God's glorious gifts and blessings are being thrown at me at one time, and the goodness is almost enough to make my heart explode.
Adam will be getting into town by the end of this week... hopefully Friday, but maybe Saturday. Then, the plan is for us to induce that Monday. Now, I realize that with a baby you can't plan ANYTHING, but I should know more after my doctor's appointment tomorrow. I am just praying that even if I haven't thinned or dialated we can still go ahead and induce on Monday as we originally planned. Adam is only here for two weeks and I want him to be able to spend as much time as possible with Maggie Claire. The more days we wait for her to come, the less days he gets to be around her. I'm feeling confident that she is waiting on daddy to come though. In the beginning I just had this feeling that she was going to come early and Adam wouldn't be here. However, now that we are approaching his arrival, I think she is hanging in there for him. She just has to stay put another 7 days or so and he will be here to experience all the joy (and screaming) of seeing his first child being born. Wow, what an amazing gift.
Now the downside to all this... I have a whole week to sit and think about Adam's and MC's arrival! Ah! Saturday was my last day of work, so now I have an entire week of doing nothing and I pray the days don't drag out!!! Don't get me wrong, I am greatly looking forward to having some time to myself to rest and relax before my whole life is turned upside down. However, I worry that it will make for some long, anxious days. I wonder what the record is for the number of hours on facebook? Or the record number of blog posts for a day? I might very well be a new record holder by the end of the week...
Well, keep us in your prayers as I head to the doctor tomorrow. Pray we can still induce on the 30th, even if we haven't done anything, so that Adam and MC can have all the bonding time possible!!! And, as Thanksgiving approaches, I want to give a special thanks to all of you who read this blog. I never imagined I would have more than one or two people even glancing at it, but all of your comments, prayers, and encouraging words have done wonders to help me make it through these past few months!! Thanks to all of you guys and I hope you keep reading as baby really does make three!!!
Nov 20, 2009
Nov 19, 2009
Speaking of.... have you guys heard of Fre? Its non-alcoholic wine! No, I'm not talking about grape juice. Its really wine, made my the manufacturers of Sutter Home. Somehow the have figured out how to remove the alcohol, but keep the flavor intact. They have different classic flavors (white, merlot, white zinfandel) that are supposed to taste like the real deal, but don't have the alcohol. Amazing huh? I bought a bottle in hopes that pretending to drink might do the trick to solve my pregnancy woes, but I have been too afraid to try it! Im sure since it doesn't have alcohol its fine for pregnant women, but I totally chickened out anyway. I mean, what if it isnt pasturized or something? Maybe I should call the doc and see if its ok...
Well, hope everyone has a great rest of the week! The weekend is almost here (well for most of you! I, however, get to work Saturday. It will be my last day at work though!). I am ready for a week of total laziness and relaxation next week!
Nov 17, 2009
Things are going well though. I am completely miserable (as stated over a thousand times), but hanging in there. Ready to meet this little one! Please pray for Adam's safe return home next week!!!!
Nov 16, 2009
So last night I had a major reminiscing fest. As I'm sure I've mentioned multiple times, I do not sleep at night. So instead of getting in bed and just laying there as I usually do, I decided to bust out the video camera and watch some home movies (We've had this camera for like 2 years and still haven't transfered all the video to the computer!) Anyway, I watched the surprise deployment party I threw for Adam, some clips from our trip to Chicago, hanging out with friends at our house, and Christmas at his parents, my parents, and on the coast. I don't think the smile left my face for the whole 2 hours I was absorbed at the computer. It was amazing to remember how life was when Adam was here. How happy we were. And, sadly, how much we took it for granted. We were so carefree and had no idea how perfect everything was. While I do still think we are extremely blessed, that point in our lives was truly amazing. I hope that this separation allows Adam and I to never take our time together for granted again! I love him and miss him so much and I can't believe he will be home in less than 2 weeks!!!!!
Before I head off to start the day, I have to share the cutest thing. My aunt told me about this little conversation yesterday and I couldn't stop laughing. Little kids' minds are just amazing. So at the family Thanksgiving while Emily was looking at my belly she told my aunt Lisa that she wanted to take out Maggie Claire and play with her. Lisa said "well we can't do that because we want Adam to be here before she comes." To this the brilliant Emily replied "Well, can't we just take her out and play with her and then put her back before he gets home?" hahaha. So adorable. I must admit that I am right there with Emily in her line of thinking though - I wish I could take MC out, hold her and snuggle her (and get some much needed pregnancy relief!), and then just put her back before Adam comes home. Oh well, once again, it will all be worth it when that precious little girl gets here!!! Hope everyone has a great week and I'll post an update after my doctor's appointment! :)
Nov 14, 2009
Sweet Lauren giving MC some love!
Getting excited talking about MC
Anyway, hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!! Another doctor's appointment Monday so we'll see how things are going then! I've had about 5 different people tell me that they have had dreams or just think that she's coming any day now... we'll see!
Nov 10, 2009
Well, only a few more weeks to go! Hopefully things will continue to go well and Maggie will come into this world a healthy baby! Also, please pray that I can contain my excitment and control myself until Adam gets home!!! I know these next few weeks I am going to be soooo anxious waiting on him to get here!!! Happy Tuesday!!
Nov 8, 2009
Nov 3, 2009
Another good thing about the time approaching for Maggie? I GET TO SEE MY HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!! I mean, seriously, does it get any better than that? I get a baby AND my hubby! He is set to leave for his R & R at the end of November. Its taken some guys as many as 5 days to get home, so he should be here by our tentative induction date. However, if things go well, he might be here earlier.
I cannot describe the feelings that have been swirling in my head. It has been approximately 5 months since I have seen Adam (and when he gets here it will have been 6 months). I worry about things being kinda weird when we are together again, but I'm sure thats to be expected. I mean, we will have to sort of get used to each each other all over again. (And sadly, by the time we do, it will be time for him to leave again). I am also worried about sending him back. It was hard enough to let him go the first time. I cant even imagine what it will be like holding two week old Maggie as we watch him get on that plane. Well, I can't focus on that. If I did, I would never fully enjoy our time together and I can tell you I am going to enjoy every SECOND of it!! No thoughts or worries about what is to come. I am going to live in the moment and cherish how lucky I am. Sounding very positive and optimistic aren't I? Yes, its a new kick of mine... haha. Seriously though, I have gone through some major changes since Adam has been away. I feel like a much stronger, capable, independent person. This might be hard to believe considering my posts reflect a worrisome and weak demeanor. Let's face it though - not many people feel the need to post when things are going well. Its therapudic to posts when things are icky. So on those few days when I am feeling down, I turn to my trusty blog and type away all my insecurities. However, on the other days, I remember what I have already made it through and feel capable to handle whatever else might be thrown my way - I just don't post about it! So readers, rest assured that I am doing fine and will try to post more "go me" updates! haha.
Oh, went to the doctor Monday and happy to report that there is nothing to report!! haha. We had a scare last Wednesday with some serious contractions and intense lower back pain, but I guess it was just stress from work that day. Maggie Claire is (at least for now) still holding out for daddy!! Let's keep our fingers crossed it stays that way!! Happy Tuesday everyone!
Nov 1, 2009
Oct 31, 2009
I'm sure there is not an end in sight to these horrible dreams. I'm sure they'll only get worse as the time approaches. I just can't wait for the day she arrives and I can meticulously stand over her and count each little finger and toe and put my mind at ease for at least a moment!
Oct 27, 2009
Kristen and I... being the nice friend she is, she squatted down so I wouldn't look like a total midget! She is like supermodel tall...
Oct 26, 2009
Anyway, hope everyone had a happy Monday! If you're like me though, you're already looking forward to the weekend!
Oh, the shower this weekend went wonderfully! I'll post pics soon!
Oct 20, 2009
To see all the pics, you'll just have to become my friend on facebook! It just takes too long to upload these things! haha.
So second area of updates - my phone. With all of the baby things I have had going on lately, apprently I have lost my mind. Let me set the stage here...I was doing some serious nesting the other day going through all the baby shower gifts, dividing up clothing by sizes, etc. Anyway, I was taking off tags in order to wash everything, so I had a nice little trash pile going. Now, since Adam is gone, I keep my phone by me 24/7 in case he happens to call. Well, apparently I had it a little TOO close to me. I scooped up the "trash pile", put it in a box, and then dumped it all in the garbage can outside. Well, about 5 hours later I was turing in for the night and went to look for my phone so I could set my alarm. Hm, not in the living room. Weird, not in my bedroom. At this point I knew my mind hadnt been the best lately so I proceeded to check EVERY room in the house - even the bathroom. My phone was missing. Of course I tried calling it, but it went straight to my voicemail. Again, this was weird since I knew my phone was fully charged. Well I asked mom if she had seen it around and she said no. Then, she suggested several places to look (which I already had). Then she says to me "do you think it could've gotten in with the garbage?". I highly doubted it, but went and got the trash bag anyway. Low and behold, there was my phone - covered in coca cola and all sorts of other nasty trash things. Needless to say it didn't turn on.
Well, the next day I trotted down the to ATT store to get another phone. I have to say that this always makes me nervous. I am technologically retarded to put it mildly. Adam has an iphone and I steer clear of it. The thing makes me feel like a monkey. Anyway, I loved my razor phone. Yes, it was SUPER old and not "in" so much, but it worked like a champ and did exactly what a phone is supposed to do - call people. I walked in the store with the intent of snagging the first simple looking phone I could find, but Adam's voice kept running through my head. See, he has been begging me to get an iphone since he got his. He goes on and on about the convenience and what not, but I just wasn't convinced. A phone is meant to call people. I can't even figure out how to call people on those damn things. It would be a pointless little black box if I owned one. Anyway, I went to the desk and explained the situation and immediately the associate said "well, we do have our iphones on sale for $99". She did it. She said the magic word - sale. I am very rarely swayed, but if I see or hear the world sale I am all over it. I thought about Adam and had a total Bella Swan moment where I heard Adam in my head saying "honey, PLEASE get the iphone!! We can talk to each other anywhere if you get one! They are even on sale! PLEASE!!!" So I gave in. I am now the owner of a pointless little black box. Well, I take that back. I have learned how to make calls.... and download applications.
Which brings me to my next point... I might be starting to second guess my previous thoughts about this iphone. For instance, today at work the power went out. I know, right? I was sitting there for an hour and a half alone in the dark with no power (I am the only one who works on Tuesdays. I go in and answer the phone, confirm patients, etc.) ANYWAY, after about 30 mintues of staring at the wall I was like - oh wait, I have internet and stuff on this phone... maybe I can find something to do. Well, I did. I played with the phone and was quite entertained. Then, the best part - I had to go to the bathroom. Well, I know that may not seem like something grand, but bare with me, I have a point. So I went into the restroom which has no windows and of course it was pitch black. I was like "man, I could really use a flashlight right now" Then I remembered (this is where you see the little cartoon light bulb flash over my head) that I have an iphone which has all sorts of weird applications. There has to be a flashlight or something... yup. Go me is all I can say. I totally downloaded a flashlight application in the midst of a power outage in order to use the restroom. It was fantastic. I felt like I should receive a medal or something.
So besides the baby shower, getting the make-me-feel-stupid phone, and having a fun day at work in the dark, not much else is going on. Oh, well I do have some good news to report. Went to the doctor and only gained 2 pounds this time! YAY - no tears! haha. I am going every two weeks now so that is only a pound a week. Not horrible. I also mentioned to the doctor that I had been having a lot of pressure recently so he checked me out just to be sure everything was ok. He said the baby is low, but I haven't started to dialate or anything yet which is good news. Miss Maggie May has got to stay put until daddy gets home in November!
Hope I haven't bored you to tears with my random updates! Hope you all have a happy hump day tomorrow!!! I am off to get myself all psyched up for biggest loser in a few hours! haha.
Oct 15, 2009
So, it had been a successful endeavor so far. (Any shower which involves me being able to pick my foot up to the point of washing it is considered highly rewarding.) I happily opened the door and stuck my foot out to step on the mat, when - SQUEEEEEEK. My foot that remained in the shower slipped (probably due to me leaning over a bit and the weight of the belly). Anyway, thank goodness I was holding onto the door. I managed to catch myself before I went belly first to the ground. I stood there for a moment thinking - man, that was lucky. Then, I went to carefully remove my remaining foot from the shower. Thats when I felt the pain and the thought came "oh lord, I am officially a big fat pregnant lady. I have just pulled something in my leg trying to catch myself from slipping in the shower..." Geez.
I have been having major back pain so I figured with my little spastic fall this morning I should call trusty Dr. M for a chiropractic adjustment. I mean I was hobbling around like a 90 year old this morning attempting to finish getting ready for work. However, since my luck is about zilch right now, of course I would happen to get hurt on a Thursday - the one day they are closed. Oh happy day. I won't be able to get to see them until Monday due to my little venture this weekend...
Which ironically is a perfect segway into shower number two (hence the title for this post). This is a happy shower though -a baby shower! Yay! My wonderful mother-in-law is throwing a diaper shower for me in Madison this weekend. I hate to admit this, but I had never heard of a diaper shower. Apparently guests bring anything and everything related to diapers as gifts - actual packages of diapers, wipe warmers, diaper genies, etc. I think it will be super fun and SUPER helpful! I'm sure I haven't even begun to absorb exactly how many diapers a baby goes through.
On a completely different note, I forgot to mention a super funny story in my last post. Remember how I took care of Lauren and Emily over the weekend? So, while we were at church together Sunday, Lauren had me all but rolling on the floor laughing (great timing, I know). We were sitting down and Lauren had her head on my shoulder. Well about that time, Maggie Claire was really getting into the music or something and started doing a little belly dance. My stomach was jumping all over the place. Lauren must've been watching my belly because all of a sudden she turned and looked up at me with these "deer in headlights" eyes. I couldn't help but laugh. I smiled at her and whispered "is Maggie moving?". Her mouth dropped open and she just started shaking her head up and down. Needless to say, my belly was of much more interest the rest of the mass than what the priest was saying...haha.