Alright. I am not going to sugar coat it. Having a baby is tough.
I remember hearing all about Brooke Shields after she had her baby and came out with the fact that she suffered from post partum depression. I thought to myself "how in the world could you be depressed after something like that?!You have been given a gorgeous, healthy baby! What is wrong with you woman??" I know now. I have pondered for a while about whether or not I should post about this, but with the way I am feeling, I know I would appreciate hearing about someone else's problems to know that I am not alone. Maybe someone will stumble upon this and see that, no, you are not alone...
If you have never had a child, you might find it very difficult to understand where I am coming from. I know before I had Maggie Claire I didn't understand it either. I always thought women who got depressed after they had their children were just the ones who didn't want their babies in the first place, but that is DEFINATELY not the case. I wanted MC so badly it killed me. I have never been so elated in my entire life as when I found out we were pregnant. Throughout my entire pregnancy I was thrilled that soon I would be holding my sweet angel. However, all of these fantasies were not exactly fulfilled the way I expected.
You imagine all of these scenarios when you are pregnant and when things don't work out that way its very troubling. The delivery might be where it started. I got an epidural thinking I wouldn't feel much of anything, but it wore off before I delivered. I felt everything. It was exruciating pain. I pushed for over an hour. I won't go into the other details, but it was rough. I was so exhausted and in such pain afterwards that I barely wanted to see MC. I immediately felt like the most horrible mother to ever live.
After Adam and I got home I was still in constant pain. I had problems with my stitches and had to go to the ER at 1:30 in the morning a few days after we got home. It was like one thing after another. I was exhausted and stressed and couldn't stop crying. I gave up breastfeeding. I just couldn't deal with the stress. Again, I felt like the most horrible mother to ever live.
In addition to all of these things, I had to deal with the fact that Adam, the love of my life and my right hand man in helping with MC, was leaving. I really felt like I was going to completely lose it. I had knots in my stomach everyday. I didn't eat. I cried and cried and cried. I didn't think I would ever feel like myself again.
I am stating all of this information in the past tense if you haven't noticed.... the reason? I think I am getting better. I still don't completely feel like myself, but I ate today and didn't cry. That is huge. My family has been amazing in helping me - both literally and emotionally. I have leaned on several cousins for support and advice and my parents have been a God send. I am hanging in there. I miss Adam terribly, but I know I have to be strong. I pray that each day it will get easier, as I think it has. Its slightly embarrassing discussing this with the world, but as I said, I felt very alone and ashamed in the beginning of all of this, and I desperately needed to know that it is normal and I was NOT the only one who had these types of feelings. Maybe I can help someone else.
As I said, I think it will get a little easier each day, and I plan on posting regularly since it is very therapeutic. Please keep MC and I in your prayers. Even when the baby blues let up, I will still deal with the pain of missing Adam. Thanks for your thoughts and comments and hopefully the next post will be more uplifting!