Sep 30, 2009

Just Call Me "Worry"

Alright, its no secret that I worry. I worry about anything and everyting as I am sure I have mentioned before. However, I am hoping that part of this is normal considering I am about to be a mom. The reality of this statement is really starting to hit home with only about 7 weeks until MC arrives. To put it mildly, I am terrified.

Everyone says that once the baby comes, you just know what to do. What if I don't? What if I was absent the day God passed out the "mother's intuition" gift? I can imagine him calling my name like on Ferris Bueller's Day Off or somthing... "Martin.... Martin.....Martin"

I suppose the thing that's gotten me the most worried lately is the fact that even if you do everything absolutely perfectly - there are no guarantees of your baby's safety. I have to share a really crazy story from this weekend...

So while I was at the visitation at Adam's grandparent's church, I looked over to the end of the pew and noticed a small, bronze plaque. It said "In loving memory of Maggie Claire Arecement". Whoa. Very weird that out of all the pews in the entire church, I had chosen the one that was dedicated to the memory of my future daughter's name (and let's face it, its not the most common name. I had never even heard anyone with that name before). Anyway, I thought it was odd but pushed it out of my mind and didn't give it another thought. Well, later when we were at Adam's grandmother's house after the funeral, I was speaking to one of Adam's relatives about our upcoming bundle of joy. She asked if we had a name picked out and I told her. She kind of looked at me for a second and said "Really? I think that name is beautiful... it was my daughter's name" What are the odds?? She went on to say "She died when she was a baby from SIDS." I asked her if that was her pew in the church and she said yes. Anyway, she went on to tell me how ecstatic she was about the name we had chosen and how it was really neat since we were family (however distant it may be).

The reason I had to tell this story is because it got me thinking (never a good idea) about how fragile life is and how you can do everything right and still never know what might be lurking around the corner. You can't prevent SIDS. You can't prevent your child being killed in a car accident like Abby on Biggest Loser. Life is so unpredictable and its completely terrifying. Its one thing to worry about your own existence, but its a whole other type of worry when its about someone so innocent that you have spent 9 months carrying.

I hope that when Maggie Claire comes I do know what to do. I hope that gene just takes over and clears my head of any self doubt I might have (I'm sure I will always question myself, but let's hope it dramatically decreases!) I guess its funny to think that I haven't even met her yet and I already feel like she's making me gray! Isn't that supposed to happen when she's a teenager?! I had heard that once you have a child, you never have a good nights' sleep again. That no matter how old your child is, you will always have the thought of them in the back of your mind. Maybe worry is normal. Maybe the extent of my worry isn't. Either way, its me. Just call me "worry".

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