flickering light

So, ya know how when something is too good to be true, you feel like its just never going to happen? (hence the phrase "too good to be true" I suppose) Well, thats how I am feeling right now. I feel like Adam is never coming home. Not to mean that I feel something is going to happen and he won't make it home, just that his return seems forever away; like it will never come. The light at the end of the long tunnel is flickering...

I had been doing pretty well lately. Adam and I have been lucky enough to talk almost everyday- whether it be short conversations on the phone or actually seeing each other and talking on the internet. However, this morning I made a pretty big mistake that has gotten me upset. A girl I knew in high school posted pictures on facebook of her new husband returning home from his deployment. I knew it would be emotional, but I couldn't help myself - I had to take a peek. (Its like those scary movies where you know someone is about to get chopped into little pieces, but you still can't bring yourself to turn away.) I started going through the album and of course I lost it. Seeing she and her husband reunited was so beautiful.... and so sad at the same time. Here she is, now at the end of her long, tortuous wait. And here I am - just beginning mine. For some people a year might not seem like a long time. I mean when you look back, it never does. However, when each and every single day you long so badly to see and hold someone, a year seems like an eternity.

To add to my sullen mood today, I also had a very hard conversation with Adam the other night. Now, its one thing for me to be upset. Its quite another to see my husband cry. Adam's grandfather isn't doing so well (please keep him in your prayers!) and his mom sent him an email updating him on everything. Well, she entitled the email "poppa" and before even opening it, you can imagine what Adam thought had happened. Of course he got really upset (he did go one to read the email and found out he was still with us..) Well all of this had apparently happened right before I signed on to talk to him. When I signed on, I clicked to view his webcam (however, he didn't know this). His box popped up and I saw him crying. It absolutely broke my heart. He started talking about how he was missing so much while he was gone and how upset he was that he couldn't spend time with poppa during all this. It was horrible. I would gladly take any amount of pain if it meant Adam didn't have any. I can't stand knowing that he is hurting. He is my rock and seeing him break down made me lose it too. When I mentioned it to him he immediately said "what the crap, I didn't know you were viewing my webcam yet!" He then dried his eyes right up (trying to be strong for me I'm sure). Anyway, seeing that and knowing everything he is dealing with has made things even more difficult lately. Its not fair that he has to be in the horrible place trying to deal with family issues back at home. It also doesn't help when I tell him about Maggie Claire moving around and having him say "I wish I was there to feel her..." Not just because I want him here, but because I know HE wants to be here experiencing all of these amazing things with me.

While the day seemed to start off on a very bad note, I did have a good day at work. We were super busy and I was so thankful. I barely had time to think a single thought, let alone allow my mind to wander to Adam. This job has been a complete God-send. I don't know what I'd do if i didn't have something to keep me occupied... its also nice that I get to wear scrubs and sit down since little Claire bear and my belly are growing everyday! :)

I did get to talk to Adam when I got off work today and, as I have mentioned, that always makes me feel better. He seemed to be doing well (whether it was an act for me or he really was doing ok we will never know, but it made me happy either way.) His work schedule has changed recently so we wont get to skype as often, but at least he can call me for a few minutes on the days that I work.

Well blog readers, I'm sure this was not the best post to be reading if you are feeling even the least bit emotional... I appologize. The blog is my therapy and sometimes I just gotta vent! I appreciate the reads and hopefully my occassional down trodden moods won't scare you off for good! haha. With Adam gone there are good days and bad days - this just happens to be one of those bad ones. I just have to keep on keeping on and hope tomorrow will be better!