I Need A Straightjacket

Alright. I just spent the last half hour on the phone with Adam bawling my eyes out. Why you ask? No reason really. It started when I missed his call. It REALLY upsets me when I miss him. I do not understand how I can have my cell phone in my hand all day and the two minutes I go outside he calls. I mean this happens almost every day. The one moment I can't answer for some reason is the exact moment he chooses to call. So I missed his call and he left two voicemails, sounding a little irritated. That upset me more. Then when he finally got me on the third try, needless to say he wasn't in the best mood. I got upset because I thought he was making me feel guilty about not answering (when in fact it was just me making me feel guilty) so I started crying. I was seriously sobbing uncontrollably. I tried to get off the subject and talk about something else so I started talking about the breastfeeding class I went to today. Then, as I was telling him the story, Adam said there was no way something I said could be true. I was like "well, uh, the nurse sat there and told me that." He kinda let it go, but I kept on with it and ended up saying "Well, if you already know so much about breastfeeding then you can just do it." Poor guy. He just didn't know what to do. I felt so bad for him after I said that so I cried more. I tried to explain that I didn't know what was wrong with me and I was sorry and he (being the amazing man he is) said "well honey, you are just pregnant and you're dealing with a lot of hormones." Inbetween sobs I also started complaining about T from yesterday who told me I had gotten wider. Then I started crying more because I felt like he didn't understand. Ugh. I just don't know what to do with myself. I have been a complete psycho for the past two days. I feel so horrible for the way I have been to Adam and my parents. God bless 'em for dealing with me right now.

On a lighter note, I did get to look at boobs all day. I know, be jealous. haha. I had a breastfeeding class at the hospital. No, we didn't sit around and whip out our breasts (as Adam thought we would for some reason), but there were a lot of pictures. I asked my mom to come with me just in case it turned out to be a "couple" thing. I didn't want to be the only one there without someone. Like the knocked up girl or something. Anyway, it didn't matter because we were the only ones there! They offer them kinda frequently so I guess no one signed up for this one. I got a nice little one-on-one lesson on breastfeeding. (I have to say that my dad was so funny when we told him where we were going. At first he was very confused as to why mom was going. "Well, Jess, mom isn't going to be pulling out her boob. What does she need to know?" Then he didn't understand why I was going period. He was like "You've got a boob and you've got a baby. You put the baby on the boob. Is there really a lot to understand?" Typical man. I tried to explain that there was a lot more to it than that. He just rolled his eyes and walked off) So as I said, mom and I got there and we were the only ones. It was super informative though. I mean, I did get to learn that I will never sleep again. That was fun. I thought it might take a lot of feeding the first few weeks or month, I had no idea it was for "several" months! You have to feed or pump every 2-3 hours if you strictly breastfeed! Wow. Never again will I sleep like a normal person. I am super scared. I don't know how I will be able to do that! I mean, sleeping a few hours, getting up, sleeping a few hours, getting up, doesn't sound like the ideal thing to do when you have to work. I am going to be a zombie. The whole idea is very overwhelming. I still totally want to do it, I just hope I am strong enough to make it through all that. I know its SO much better for the baby. And I am lucky that I get to live and home and I don't have to worry about all the feedings in addition to housework, laundry, cooking , etc. I will have it a lot easier than most women. Still though, I'm nervous. Well, I shouldn't say nervous. I am scared out of my freaking mind to be quite honest. Any mommies out there with some encouraging words?

I think ALL the fears are starting to rear their ugly head now. I wonder constantly if I am ready for this (especially without Adam's support). If we should've planned better. If I'm going to totally screw up my child's life - the usual. I mean its so scary to think that my entire life has been about me; my needs, my wants. Now, its all about another human. I am the person this baby depends on for life. If I mess up, they suffer. I mean that is frightening. I think I'm gonna cry again.

Before I end the post, I have to give a special shout out to Jordan and his girlfriend Emily. Jordan is a friend of Adam's from high school and recently I got to meet them both when we went to Denver to visit. Super amazing people. I mean, have you ever known someone who just blows you away with their support and friendship? These are those people. Jordan twittered (is that the term? I am so not with it.) about Adam and has now managed to get the CEO of a company to donate some things to him and the other guys over there. Not to mention he calls/messages/texts often to check in and see how I'm doing. Keep in mind that I have only met these people one time. It just melts my heart to know that the world has such wonderful people in it. I think so highly of them both and I hope God continues to bless them for all the awesome things they do. I hope they know how much Adam and I appreciate them and how lucky we feel to have them as friends. (Here come the water works again. Good lord, I gotta go watch a funny movie or something and make this madness stop) So, thanks again guys! We love you!