Not to mention that in addition to all this, Adam sounds like someone just ran over his puppy every time I talk to him. He is having such a hard time right now. I know he is even trying to perk up when he calls so that I won't get upset. I can only imagine how he would sound if he didn't even attempt to sound chipper.
I am having one of those "everything kinda sucks" days. After the four hours in Greece, Adam called sounding all sad. I then filled him in on some stuff his mom is dealing with and then he got even more upset! He was like "why would you tell me all this?" I told him I thought my job was to keep him informed. I knew that if he got back and THEN heard about it he would be like "geez! why didn't you tell me this was going on while I was gone??" I felt horrible and kept appologizing for upsetting him. He obviously knew I felt bad and said I did the right thing in telling him... he just wasn't having a good day and didn't really want any more bad news. He said that he knew there was no way for me to know that.
Then, I helped my mom with dinner and watched some TV. I rented confessions of a shopaholic in hopes it would cheer me up but it didn't really seem to do the trick. Only served to make me depressed I can't wear anything cute anymore. Did I mention that mom and I did a little trip to the maternity store? Yeah, I bought some stuff... by far nothing to write about. I hate maternity clothes. I feel like I am a 40 year old suburban mom. Ya know, the kinds Stacy and Clinton track down on what not to wear. I expect "market researchers" to come video tape me at any moment and ask about my style or something.
I hate that I am so sad. I know I have moments of enjoyment and excitement with the new baby, but this deployment is even harder than I imagined. The REALLY sad thing is, he's only been gone 3 weeks! I don't know how I am going to make it for a whole year. I am feeling very alone and weak right now. I need one of those yellow bracelets that says "un-strong". I know I need to stay busy and be with friends, but its to that point where, yes, I am bored, but I dont feel like doing anything. Ever had that happen? You are so bored and depressed that you don't even want to leave the house and hang out with friends in attempts to feel better? I mean I still try to do it. I ask mom to do things with me a lot just to get out of the house. And while I do stress about my job, I really thank God for it. I can't imagine sitting at the house all day every day. I really would go crazy.
All of this has really made me think about how I want my life to go. I've been thinking about "if I could do/have anything, what would I even want?" Well, because I'm sure you're all dying to know, I will fill you in on what I have figured out....
I want to live the island life! I want a house on the beach surrounded by lush tropical plants and trees that opens into our own little bay. I want a hammock between two plam trees.
I want to work with aquatic animals at an aquarium. Dolphin/whale trainer? I dunno. I want a job where I can be outdoors all day and barely have to sit down. I want it to incorporate animals, biology, and teaching. Oh, maybe I could teach kids about animals at the aquarium when they come for trips and stuff! How fun! Do they have people for that? I want some interaction with the animals though. Well, this is just my brain going throgh thoughts.
I want a sailboat with sleeping quarters so Adam and I can leave our private beachfront home for weeks at a time and just sail.
I want our kids to be able to come home from school and play in the sand. I want them to run up to the house holding little hermit craps in their hands telling daddy and I to come see what they've found.
Can you imagine all that? I know, paradise. Maybe one day I can talk Adam into the beach lifestyle. He's mountains and snowboarding and I'm oceans and boating. I think he might be coming around though. He talks about our trip to the Dominican a lot and how much he enjoyed it. The other day we were talking and he said "ya know, I think I might be coming around to living at the beach." Now, this was probably said in attempts to make me super happy for some reason, but I won't let him forget he said it. It's my dream and he is such a sweetheart for wanting to fulfill it - no matter how "out there" it might be. Did you know that only 44% of Americans consider themselves to be living the American Dream? I suppose for right now though, none of this is even a priority. Living the "american dream" with 2.5 kids and a white picket fence just doesn't have the same appeal in my situation. My american dream? My husband back and a healthy baby. That's what will get me into the 44%....the rest is just a bonus.
Please remember to keep all the soldiers in your prayers, especially tomrrow, as we reflect on how lucky we are to be Americans where we still have the right to dream!