Jun 15, 2011

"I Am Not A Hillbilly Honey!"

Let me tell you a little secret about Adam. He's a collector. I can't call him a "hoarder" because hoarders collect junk. Adam collects "useful" junk. See the differentiation? (Yeah, don't feel bad, I can't either...") But, God love him, he comes by it honestly. His grandfather was king of the collectors. The man even had entire shed to store his collections.

Just to give you a glimpse into how insane innovative this man is: one day he came home with a mannequin. Yup, a naked woman mannequin. Do I really want to know the use this is going to serve? It was ok though. He had a great explanation. "Honey, it was just sitting on the side of the road! They were just going to throw it away!!" Wow? Really? They were just going to throw this treasure away??!! Erroneous on all accounts!!!!

Now, Adam has "collected" such an abundance of shit stuff, that when he starts looking for something he turns into a kid at Christmas. Take yesterday. He started looking for hair trimmers because the beard trimmers he was using to buzz his head just weren't working (I'll get to that in a moment, but let me just say that at this point he had a fantastic half-shaved mullet going on. The remaining hair on his head was choppy and uneven because we thought it was a great idea to just grab handfuls and cut it with scissors to make the beard trimmers "work better") He opened his insanely gigantic black box in which he stores his old Army paraphenalia and he found a treasure trove of goodies...
1. A broken green thingy with wires sticking out - Adam:"Oh wow! There that is! I bet I can fix that!"
2. A cord that goes to nothing and is missing the actual attachment that makes it even serve a purpose. Adam: "Oh look! This is awesome! I don't have the part to make it work but when it does work its great! Oh, wait, here it is!!"
Me: "Yay."
3. UnderArmor boxer briefs. Adam:"Woo hoo!"
Me: "..."

It went on like this for a time, and unfortunately, no trimmers were to be found. We found the guards for the trimmers, but no trimmers. (Adam probably had a moment where he had both in his hand and in attempts to keep with his collections as "useful" as possible, he opted to keep the guards and toss the actual trimmer...makes sense.)

Now, onto the continuing hair cutting operation. As I mentioned, Adam was immensely irritated that his beard trimmers wouldn't buzz his head properly. (Obviously a complete crap product. What lunatic designs BEARD trimmers that won't cut hair.) He then insists that I go to Wal-Mart to purchase something more appropriate. At this point its almost time to pick up MC and I wasn't about to go all the way to the evil Wal-Mart across town. I suggested he put on a hat and go himself. Hm, probably not the best idea.
Me: "Honey, just put on a hat and go yourself."
Adam: "Hell no! Look at me!"
Me: Insane laughter
Adam: "See!!! I look like a monk!"
Me: "Adam {laughter}, if you have a hat on your head, no one can see your head {laughter again}
Adam: "What the crap Jess? A hat only comes down so far on your head! I'll have half hair and half no hair hanging out of my hat!"
Me: "Honey.... it's Wal-Mart."
Adam: "I don't care! I am not a hillbilly honey!"

This is where I begin rolling on the floor laughing. My husband is standing in the bathtub, in his newly found UnderArmor boxer briefs, with a mullet, attempting to buzz his head with beard trimmers. Please, honey. Tell me again you are not a hillbilly. Really think about it this time....

1 comment:

The Gists said...

lol that made my morning! guys are just too funny sometimes


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