Its Getting Better All The Time

Well, I still can't say that I am over the baby blues, but its still getting better each day. I did have a little mini melt down yesterday about MC's sleeping, but I just decided after much advice, reading, and research to chill out until she is 6 weeks old. According to Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, babies dont really develop a sleep pattern until they are about 6 weeks old. Apparently until then I just need to kick back, relax, and let her sleep when she wants. (Of course this is much more easily said than done... I am an organizational freak as we all know. I need a schedule. I need a play by play of how the day is going to go. MC doesnt exactly allow for that at this point. She doesnt have a particular time she naps during the day. She is still kinda all over the place - this doesnt allow me to make a schedule -this drives me crazy.) I am really hoping that in two weeks or so she'll settle into her little pattern and I can develop a schedule for us! Speaking of, what time should she be put to bed? When I go to bed (9 or 10), or earlier at like 7 or something? Or do you wait for the super early bedtime when they get older?? Suggestions?

Adam is also doing fine. We are still able to talk on the computer and see each other on the webcam. I usually end up showing MC to him each day. Poor baby girl is going to spend the first 3 months of her life with a webcam shoved in her face... oh well. Daddy has to see her. Maybe I am conditioning the world's next oscar winner ;)

I was watching videos of her birth and time and the hospital this evening. Its crazy how much she has changed since then. I have a feeling these next few months are going to fly by (which is JUST fine with me! The sooner time goes by, the quicker I get to be with Adam for good!) I can't wait until our little family is back together!

MC and I are taking our first big outing tomorrow. My mom is driving us to Starkville to meet Adam's mom who will then take us to Jackson. We will be staying there for the weekend so "nanna" and "poppy" can get some much needed time with Maggie Claire. Should be interesting to see how she reacts to the different environment! I also can't wait for our dog Indy to meet her!! She's been living with Adam's parents while he's been gone so he has yet to meet our new addition! I'll be sure to post pics when we get back! Until then, take a look at our beautiful little girl! She was one month old on Monday :)

Bye Bye Blues?

Okay, so I feel as though I have done a complete 180 since my last post. I have now gone three days without crying and I have actually eaten at least one meal every day. Things are looking up.

I am starting to feel much closer to Maggie Claire now, which makes me feel AWESOME. I look at her and smile now - not cry. I'm not sure if its the medicine kicking in, talking with a counselor, others prayers, or the fact that my mother has handled the early morning feedings the past two nights so I could get some rest. Either way, I feel refreshed, recharged, and actually happy.

Maggie Claire is doing well too. Its amazing how alert she is now. She will follow voices and is completely enthralled with certain objects like the mobile on her swing and some of the toys I bought for her. I wish Adam was here to see how much she has changed and grown in a matter of one week. Speaking of Adam, I am starting to feel better about that situation too. I had come to grips with things while I was pregnant and thought I was doing a pretty good job dealing with him being gone. However, after he left this time I didn't think I would ever stop crying. It was heart wrenching. I guess its much like everything else in life though and gets better with time. Don't get me wrong, I still miss him terribly, but I am slowly regaining my previous strength in dealing with it.

I want to extend a thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. I truly appreciate all of your throughts and prayers. They are probably the reason I am feeling better today. I will continue to keep you posted with how things are going!

PS - First funny baby story: So, MC was in her pack and play and it was almost time to feed her so I thought I would change her diaper. WOOO! BIG STINKY! As I am wiping her cute little poopy bottom, she starts tee-teeing everywhere! Wonderful. Here I am, poopy wipe in hand trying to catch the pee pee which is now pooling up beneath her (Yes, I still had her diaper under her bottom, but since it was poopy, I had it closed under her... the pee pee just ran right down the incline it created) As if this wasn't interesting enough, Maggie Claire then spits up. I have no hands left. The spit up starts running down the side of her face and into her ear. Are you kidding me? Tell me there are no more holes for anything to come out of! Needless to say, I stripped her down and she got her bath early that night...

Whats the Deal Brooke Shields?

Alright. I am not going to sugar coat it. Having a baby is tough.

I remember hearing all about Brooke Shields after she had her baby and came out with the fact that she suffered from post partum depression. I thought to myself "how in the world could you be depressed after something like that?!You have been given a gorgeous, healthy baby! What is wrong with you woman??" I know now. I have pondered for a while about whether or not I should post about this, but with the way I am feeling, I know I would appreciate hearing about someone else's problems to know that I am not alone. Maybe someone will stumble upon this and see that, no, you are not alone...

If you have never had a child, you might find it very difficult to understand where I am coming from. I know before I had Maggie Claire I didn't understand it either. I always thought women who got depressed after they had their children were just the ones who didn't want their babies in the first place, but that is DEFINATELY not the case. I wanted MC so badly it killed me. I have never been so elated in my entire life as when I found out we were pregnant. Throughout my entire pregnancy I was thrilled that soon I would be holding my sweet angel. However, all of these fantasies were not exactly fulfilled the way I expected.

You imagine all of these scenarios when you are pregnant and when things don't work out that way its very troubling. The delivery might be where it started. I got an epidural thinking I wouldn't feel much of anything, but it wore off before I delivered. I felt everything. It was exruciating pain. I pushed for over an hour. I won't go into the other details, but it was rough. I was so exhausted and in such pain afterwards that I barely wanted to see MC. I immediately felt like the most horrible mother to ever live.

After Adam and I got home I was still in constant pain. I had problems with my stitches and had to go to the ER at 1:30 in the morning a few days after we got home. It was like one thing after another. I was exhausted and stressed and couldn't stop crying. I gave up breastfeeding. I just couldn't deal with the stress. Again, I felt like the most horrible mother to ever live.

In addition to all of these things, I had to deal with the fact that Adam, the love of my life and my right hand man in helping with MC, was leaving. I really felt like I was going to completely lose it. I had knots in my stomach everyday. I didn't eat. I cried and cried and cried. I didn't think I would ever feel like myself again.

I am stating all of this information in the past tense if you haven't noticed.... the reason? I think I am getting better. I still don't completely feel like myself, but I ate today and didn't cry. That is huge. My family has been amazing in helping me - both literally and emotionally. I have leaned on several cousins for support and advice and my parents have been a God send. I am hanging in there. I miss Adam terribly, but I know I have to be strong. I pray that each day it will get easier, as I think it has. Its slightly embarrassing discussing this with the world, but as I said, I felt very alone and ashamed in the beginning of all of this, and I desperately needed to know that it is normal and I was NOT the only one who had these types of feelings. Maybe I can help someone else.

As I said, I think it will get a little easier each day, and I plan on posting regularly since it is very therapeutic. Please keep MC and I in your prayers. Even when the baby blues let up, I will still deal with the pain of missing Adam. Thanks for your thoughts and comments and hopefully the next post will be more uplifting!

Miss America look out!

So I suppose I am a little biased, but I really do think Maggie Claire is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen! I mean just look at her! I am one proud momma, I have to say!!!

Margaret Claire Elizabeth Martin Is Here!

First chance I've had to actually sit and do something since we got home! Short post, will post details when I have time (Maybe that might be sometime this year! haha)

Maggie Claire was born at 5:41pm on Monday November 30th. She weighed 7 pounds and 13 ounces and was 21 inches long. I might be biased, but I truly think she is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. She and I are both doing well, and Adam and I are just trying to get in a routine and get some rest which doesnt look like it will happen anytime soon!